...I just wana find a better me...

Renew

2010-01-24T23:43:00.000-08:00

Been so long since I've last made a post. Something great had happened and I hope it would remain this way. Soon I'm gona be 22. That's gona be old my god. This friday will be the 2nd appointment. Wonder where it's gona lead to. I hope it really helps. Life's getting worse in camp coz of that person. I wish he'll be dead before the age of 30. He isn't worth living to a ripe age. Haiz tired. I miss my outside life. It's only monday. Gosh.

A game

2010-01-11T10:12:00.001-08:00

Well everything's a game .. It's just a game .. I'm a player .. You are one too .. So .. Let's play ..

Happy 2

2010-01-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

People got to move on right? I tried and well everytime I said I won't. But maybe I have now. I hope this one will be it. =) The conversation yesterday night on msn gave me hope. I was pratically giggling throughout the conversation. I hope you will be the one. Really hope so. I enjoyed talking to you so much and I enjoyed going out with you. I hope it's going somewhere. =) I really don't mind age. =)

The stomach is killing me. I vomitted yet again what I ate for lunch. What the hell. Shall try not to skip any lunch or dinner anymore. If not I think this stupid reaction will just continue to happen on and off.

Happy

2010-01-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

I was really happy today. Really.

I enjoyed your company.
You enjoyed mine.

I find you appealing and funny.
You find me cute.

It's indeed a very good start. =)
I enjoyed watching Avatar 3D very very much with you. I'm really happy. =)

Recently

2010-01-07T22:31:00.000-08:00

Things has been happening recently. I can't believe it. I really hope that it's just because I'm thinking too much and not that what I'm thinking is the truth. I'm a really good friend so I hope you don't think too much. If you really hate me coz of that I'm close to the person, Probably, I might just end the friendship. If it's really worth it. I'm so stressed up by the shout out. If it really is meant for me, all those help that I've helped you if probably not really worth it. I'm not a bad guy. I'm really just a normal good guy.

My own problem has been rising and has not been solved and there comes another problem. What to do. Rushing for time shall update again.

2010

2009-12-31T14:13:00.000-08:00

Must I cry through every countdown? Why do I cry again? Why? I just don't get it. Is my life that bad? I really don't want to cry, alcohol is the culprit. Everything is real and like your real emotion on how you feeling and your real thoughts. Alcohol made me spit out everything. Why must this happen to me? After sooo long, I still cried over the same song. After I've decided to let go, I still think of ahem and care for ahem. Why? Why do I even have to call ahem when I'm drunk? To realize the phone wasn't on and to realize where they are through another friend. The start of a new year and emotions took control over me once again.

It's a brand new year and a brand new start. A year which means alot. A year that I would ORD. A year that maybe something great might happen. God please, please let me have a great year after all those misery in 2009. I really felt like crying for days thinking of all those things that happened in 2009. It's not worth it yes, but I can't help it. I've really been thinking alot. A year of hope I would believe. Please let this year be a real year. A year that I would decide on my future and a year that would help me build my confidence. Please god, please help me and don't toy with me anymore. Please.

我哭了

2009-12-30T05:28:00.000-08:00

我哭了

我把所吃的东西通通都吐了出来。
也不知为何。
今天也只不过吃了那一餐。
反正都没人会理会，死了也没影响到任何人。

那么的爱你，那么的想珍惜你，那么的想给你一切一切，
可是，你却不想要。
逼到远远的。
为什么我那么的单纯？
为什么我那么的愚蠢？
为什么我那么的天真？
全又是单方面的。
可能重头开始，你根本都不想认识我，不想和我做朋友。
而我傻乎乎的认为是有机会的，有可能的。
我太无能了，太傻了。
根本不配任何人。
可能一切一切都因为我只是上天的傀儡，让他们快乐的一个玩偶。
不平的作弄我，让我哭泣。

现在，我知道一切都不可能了。
一切都泡汤了。
在做什么也只令你跟讨厌我。
我真傻，真的好傻。

都怪我自作自受。
对不起，原谅我的愚蠢吧。

Why?

2009-12-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

All I needed was just some care and concern from you coz I'm not feeling well. But that didn't come. You didn't ask me. Not even bothering me. Are you reading this? Do you know anything?

I might be giving up. I'm friends with jas and w but I may not wana talk to you. If you still chose not to reply. I guess that's it. I've been hving sleepless nights and I've been worried till now I'm sick. What do I get?

Half in half out

2009-12-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

I'm in a situtation whereby, I'm half in and I'm half out. I'm not sure where to go now. More and more people are telling me to give out. That everything I do is useless. From what I see, I believe so too. If there were somebody better that comes along, maybe I'll just go ahead with it. I'm getting so sick and tired of the ignorance. Of the feeling of unknown. Of the feeling of neglection. I feel like voicing out. But there's nothing I could do. I couldn't voice out anything, no one bothers. I'm so stressed. If I mean nothing and you feel that it won't be going anywhere why not just tell me that it's not possible that we're friends and ask me to move on and find somebody else? Why do you have to not give and exact answer? My last resort is to ask questions ask someone that might be able to give me an answer. If so, at least, I don't mind being friends. Really. Coz I enjoyed myself actually, when hanging out with you all recently. To you guys I maybe some passer-by. I'm lousy at judging people. It has always been the case. Please let me be right this one time.

I've never been happy till you came along. Life was sad from the day the tragedy strikes. Though there maybe some other eye candies but I don't dare to pursue anymore. Until your results is confirmed. Haiz. Whatever I don't know what else I could say here.

Lost

2009-12-26T15:15:00.000-08:00

After the text conversation earlier on, I realize I'm really lost now. Does it means that you're telling me no? Or does it mean that you're troubled yourself as well? Is it like what kor said you don't know what you want now? Everyday I need to find some problem for me to feel hurt about what you're doing. Not having enough sleep and running around having fun, sick and still going out to play, cannot drink and yet you're drinking that much, coughing so badly without any voice still eat spicy food. I know you stated clearly that currently we're friends. I know it means something. Perhaps, Miss Wong would tell me to just forget about it. What she says is true also. After all that happens, I believe every word she said. I may be dumb yes, maybe because I'm blinded. Cannot see things as they are but wish to see things the way I wished it had been.

I really wish to grab some help from people. I know not that no one is helping me but, the way I sees it, none is working. I saw it myself today. There are so many better people out there, I lack so much things, how am I ever going to fit in your category? So many nicer looking people that you know. It's easy for you to hook anyone you wish to. So why am I even bothering?

So much things happened today, did you even bother to show some concern? No. Not a word of concern from you. You leave as you wish, you come as you wish, you dance as you wish and you drink as you wish. It's as if I'm not there. I don't know what else I could do. Seeing the amount you drank, I wished to help you finish it. But I guess I don't have the right. From B2's point of view, what I did wasn't enough. Are you even reading things here? I don't think so at all.

I tried asking you out, but you just didn't want to give me a chance. The only time was that time. I was happy definitely but were you happy as well? I think not, you probably just wish to grant me that one wish.

I really miss you and I guess I'm really falling head over heels for you. But I guess if there is someone better that comes along, I guess I give the person a chance then. If really you are still the way you are now. I hope god would be more benovant a bit. See the lonely and poor me.

Sad christmas

2009-12-26T00:13:00.000-08:00

It was the worst countdown event ever. You told me your cousins were coming, but truth is it didn't happen. You didn't told me about it at all. At least all you could was to tell me that your cousins were not over your place anymore. What's worst, you ended up in the place unknowingly, you didn't tell me anything. It wasn't from your mouth or message. Rather it was from B2's mouth. I can't believe it. So you intend not to say anything at all?

Cried just 5 minutes before the countdown. Can't believe it. It was really the worst christmas countdown ever. Some told me to give up. Some told me to take it slowly. What should I do? Perhaps you can tell me what to do?

It's like, I begin to realize I really have fallen for you more and more. Couldn't control my own feelings anymore.

Took back the things that I have left with miss wong for so long. I didn't want to take back but I didn't want Miss Wong to throw it away either. Saw all the things and memories oh memories. If only nothing had changed. Maybe life would be easier now. If only...

People I love don't love me. People I don't and wana avoid just keep pouring in. What to do?

Best christmas gift ever was of coz from you. You know it better. Next is definitely the Chip look alike squirrel from B2.

I wish things were better for the new year and not like it is for christmas.

=)

2009-12-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

Avatar ROCKs

and so

is the present. Thanks =)

I love it.
It meant alot.

Fuck

2009-12-20T07:17:00.000-08:00

Fuck, I did so much for you but what do I get in return? I really don't know what you are thinking. It seems what ex says I felt it. Friends are more important to you. I didn't know this was what ex felt. I can't let go of the past, and I don't know how to continue in the present. What I get is nothing. It's just all shit things. I yearn for that concern. But it's not coming. A month was my target set. And, a month is coming. It's reaching. How many months must I give? I guess, I'm not good looking enough for you. No one sees anything in me. Fat, fat, fat. Even gym is not helping. Ran so much but still fat. Ok I know I need time but I can't take it anymore. It's taking too long a period of time. I really need a fast way. Ate just prolly 6 plates of sushi today. That's all and ok 2 bottles of green tea and one hot green tea and one
milk tea. I'm determined on my diet that I use to have again. I don't care whether the stomach is dying or psychologically I'm unbalanced. I just want to slim down. If that's the case for me to fit your criteria, I'll do it.

I can't believe what foolish thing I'm doing nowadays. It's crossing the line a bit too much. I hope nothing bad would befall on me. I guess what H says is true. You need all the criteria to survive in this world. Without those, then be alone. Be alone. I'm so brainwashed about the idea. Life's like this. Wana gain something? Sacrifice something then. The thing I'm gona sacrifice will be time and energy. I'm not sure whether I can pull through or not. But by hoop by croop, I'll pull through. I'll have to.

I'm sorry if I made a change in your life. A change that prolly you don't wish to have at all. A change that you might not even wish to have in the first place. That becomes a regret to you. If that's your feel then I'm sorry.

I know it's probably a fraud for the event. I guess probably you all are still there. Just that I'm uninvited. I'm never was invited. Blame that I'm too thick skinned. I don't know what all of them thinks of me. Probably my true friends are just those few. Which I know they know who they are. The rest are probably talking about me behind my back. Some helped me that I know of.

I wished my life wasn't like this. It's too difficult to handle. I tried all I could. Please help me my wednesday medicel appointment. I really need the help. I don't know whether you can cure me, but all I wish for is just some sleeping pills to help me in the night. It'll be very usefull tyo me. Hasn't stop thinking and crying ever since I saw ex by chance. It's too much to handle.

Are we a game to the one up there?

2009-12-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Seriously does anyone read this? Can someone just enlighten me? Are we a game to the one up there? Are we? There I was crying so terribly looking at the photos and trying hard not to think anymore and I have to brush by the person at clarke quay today. I so wanted to stare at the person and see what response I got. But I don't have the courage to. Maybe the handphone number was changed? Resulting in all those non replied messages? Why? I don't understand at all. I have to cry again so that the one up there is satisfied? I have to cut myself again so that the one will be satisfied? What do I have to do? I really really miss that person a lot. I was really dumb not to even go up and say hello. Or even to just talk. Why was I so dumb? Why? What the fuck am I doing seriously. What should I do?

Told A. All A said was "gd lo". What was I suppose to say? I just replied "haha. ok". The 'haha' wasn't even meant to be a laugh. It was meant to be a sad way of saying. Or rather a gloomy 'ha-ha'. There wasn't a sign of concern at all. I was so sad by that response. Now the christmas gift is a null. I don't even know whether A would accept it or not.

Come to think of it, I'm really a dumb ass. I probably should have just went up to that person. I really should have. If not, I wouldn't even have this regret now.

B2 say the person is ugly. But who isn't? In some way or another you're ugly. Be it character, looks, preference. Each and everyone has their ugliness in a certain way. Most importantly, in your heart, the person meant alot. I've been having sleepless nights. For so long. Please make me forget the person. Is the only way out really death?

I cried.

2009-12-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since I last saw my camera pictures. After the incident, not to say getting back the things, I never even had a chance to talk to you. Though it's a short period, photos memories wasn't that much, it seems like it has been years that I'm with you. Till now the song still made me cry.

Bought a new set of charger and card reader for the camera. Gone through the pictures once more. I didn't have the courage to scroll through. I was feeling so scared. Scared that once again, my memories would be triggered. But, I couldn't help it. The tears just flowed naturally. It just couldn't stop. I wish I had the courage to make it stop. But I hasn't. I realized I missed you too badly and I really miss the past we had. I know it's not coming back anymore. Like what I always say, I have my whole life ahead to forget all these. I know somehow I would. When that day is I'm not sure. I really don't know. Maybe the day will be when I won't cry to the song anymore. That'll be the day that, you have finally left my life.

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This will forever be my favourite song and definitely the most memorable song ever. I promise you.

Beyond - Truely Love You

无法可修饰的一对手
带出温暖永远在背后
总是罗嗦始终关注
不懂珍惜太内疚
沉醉于音阶她不赞赏
母亲的爱却永远未退让
决心冲开心中挣扎
亲恩终可报答
春风化雨暖透我的心
一生眷顾无言地送赠
是你多么温馨的目光
教我坚毅望着前路
叮嘱我跌倒不应放弃
没法解释怎可报尽亲恩
爱意宽大是无限
请准我说声真的爱你
仍记起温馨的一对手
始终给我照顾未变样
理想今天终于等到
分享光辉盼做到

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One day, I'll smile again.

林佳仪 - 一个人的我依然会微笑

如果想哭我自己会找地方
你不必担心我会弄湿你肩膀
走在街上到处是寂寞的人
我想谁都不要同情的眼光
受一点伤并不是可怕的事
人就是这样才会愈来愈坚强
谁叫男人永远比女人清楚
爱情它何时该收何时该放
你走吧我不哭无论多痛苦
你走吧我不哭就算会迷路
明天一个人的我依然会微笑
虽然它或许也是伤心的开始
爱情的轮回总是一次又一次
是悲是喜终将都变成往事
明天一个人的我依然会微笑
那怕早已没有人记得我名字
别问我为何执迷不悟的尝试
女人生来就多这么一点痴

A change

2009-12-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

Life's taking a change. I realize I was treaten better. Amazed and of coz I'm happy. =)

I realize you can't hide things from people even if you want to. I guess I've learnt alot recently. The world is small you see. So in such a small country like singapore, it's likely that once your matters spread, it would spread to the rest of the people in the same circle soon enough and all the people will know about what happened. Especially when the circle you're in is small and significant.

Lots of love stories yes but when it comes to real life, you realize it's not easy. Clubs especially. How in the world do you control yourself when you are drunk and you're actually out with people you do not know? I mean definitely their aiming for ons right? True? Unless of coz you're going with your beloved then would you control. If you're single and available of coz you would play around right? When you're attached of coz learn to control right?

After yesterday night, I realize what I was wrong and dealing with. It's not easy to survive and not easy to find love. But once you found it and feel that he or she is the right one, don't let go. give it all you got to keep it. Initially I have found it. But I guess we're just not meant to be. Like what all my friends say, it's time to give up and not think about it anymore, it's over. Time to move out and get a new memory.

I hope you would give me a chance.

Mixed feeling

2009-12-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Ever had this mix feelings? I never had this feeing before. I think it's in vain but somehow I was given hope at the same time. I really don't know what to do. There wasn't a comment from you. All I had was just for me to guess. I wanted to so much care for you. To so much yearning for the same from you. But there wasn't anything. I'm scared. Which I'm not sure why as well. I just want some answers. But there wasn't any. I'm so lost now. Everyday I tried doing my best though I'm in camp. But it wasn't of any help. All I had was just a phone with me. Nothing else. What should I do?

Let me try giving it a deadline then. If it still fails, I guess I would only believe in the negative points then. It's useless trying to find the positive points in this area. Simply because there isn't any at all. You have your life but simply, it's just ignorance. Not a sign on interest in me at all. Not one. In the beginning yes, probably I felt it. But as the days grew, it becomes lesser or rather close to negative. I'm praying for the good. Praying that it will happen. Pray.

All I could say is, I miss you.

New year resolution

2009-12-10T02:01:00.000-08:00

Every year it's the same thing over and over again. Since it's nearing the end of the year, time to write down my resolution for next year. Basically not much changes. Save up to go overseas, lose some weight, gain in height. So what else is new? There 's something new actually. Just like the song, Akon - Be with you. =) And of coz, built up to gain admiration from people and not me admiring people. These are some new resolutions. What else, to finish my bike lesson. Oh it's gona be a mess writing essay style. So let me make a list.

New Year Resolutions

1) Akon - Be with you
2) To build up a great body by mid year.
3) To get my bike license.
4) Save up, to go hong kong.
5) Gain admiration from people.
6) Gain self-confidence.
7) Never to get hurt again.
8) To get my very first gucci bag =P
9) To get my very first gucci wallet too =P
10) To set up a celebration for 22 if possible.
11) Last but not least, to party party party. With you I hope.

Well, and the list goes on for the unthinkables. Like get a car for example, or get a bike. There'll finally come the days that I live a life with no worries about cashflow problems. The day will come. I believe.

Let's get off track abit. What should I do? Do i meant anything at all? The "at times" ignorations. It made me feel kind of sad. The replies that I was ever so familiar with myself. Perhaps I'm thinking a bit too much? Probably there's nothing wrong just that I keep thinking. I'm so in a terrible "missing" epidemic. I longed for saturday to come. Is my sacrificial worth it? Will it ever meant anything at all? It's still an unknown factor. Which I really hope the answers revealing anytime soon.

What to do?

2009-12-08T03:38:00.000-08:00

Can someone just tell me what to do? It's so tiring. You know, the feeling of you trying to fetch a pail of water from a well and you ask a person to help you pull that pail up. But the person is not pulling at all. End up you're the only one pulling, taking hours and tons loads of energy. No matter how you pull, it seems to take forever. Scold the person and it's useless coz he won't help at all. I'm having this kind of feeing and I realize, the pail is getting heavier. I yearn for concern on whether the pail is heavy and do you need help from the person. But there's not much. Sometimes, the person pulled for a moment, but let go again the next. What to do.

Take your time was the advice. I hope it would show some result and I won't be alone pulling the pail again.

Ups and downs

2009-12-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

Wierd how quickly life comes about for ups and downs. So sudden and so quick. But definitely down can drag longer. After the event happen, you would just keep thinking why it has to be like that. Why not the way I wish it could be? Funny why ups are not the way how downs is. You feel happy yes, but after that, it seems to slowly fade away and you won't keep thinking about those moments until something happen and you would start to think, why my life isn't the way it use to be. Use to be that happy. That's when you're down and you pull those happy thoughts into your mind. Otherwise, you won't seem to be revolving round the happy moments anyway.

My life now, I would say it's up. I'm great to have known so many great and new people and of coz A. I'm glad the way it is now and yes of coz I would revolve round this happy moments not forgetting them. If it does get to aother level, I think... Oh wells, don't wish to put too high a hope. Coz, I don't wish to be like how I use to anymore. It was so painful. It's been so long ever since dad passed away, that I've cried till, my heart actually feels the ache. The adrenaline pain. Taking me months to let go. Not even totally. I thought that was it. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. Cheated and all. I don't wish to go through such pain anymore. Wish that, something would happen this month. Praying for it to come. *Sigh*

change

2009-12-06T12:09:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. At times, change can make you bad. When you realize you're getting better either physical wise or face wise, you tend to loose control of yourself. Be it desires or you know, just to find friends? I'm not sure. I see it this way though, coz I seen it with my own eyes. Is it really true? I hope I change physically and facially but not emotionally and character-rally. Pray heavens. Control man, control. If not I may just be the well known evil guy.

I think this is it. I realize that it meant something. Something that I could not explain after someone. Something that makes me wish to do it further and to continue with everything I could. I hope this time, I can finally see dreams coming true. I hope that it meant something to you as well. I hope everything will be great judging on what's happening concurrently.

Changes really do mean well as well. I'm quite glad I have known lots of new people. It does meant something to me. And I guess I do enjoy my life now. Loves.

The right one

2009-12-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

Once you met someone, how do you determine that he or she is the right one? The feeling? Like you're worried about him or her or wonder why he or she never reply your messages. Ok that's from your part. How do you know whether the other party accepts you? Probably short answers? But that has to depend on what's the person's character as well. The person may reply short answers cause that's how the person is. But does he or she feels irritated? By your constant regards and all? Well that has to depend on you. Control at times i guess. But if nothing works out well, I guess continue on is useless as well. But the person take initiative to call you may mean, well i wana check out on you a little more. Or prolly I take interest in you.

So how to find the right one? Kind of tired. You've got to find a person that you love and he or she reciprocate. So it's quite impossible in the beginning. Cause definitely, one person would love the other more then the other loving that person. So it depends on whether the person wishes to accept. Sometimes, there's quite alot of criteria to consider. Age, interests, character, the first impression you had? All these taken into consideration. So go allout to prove that you love him or her.

The considering party may face a somewhat bigger challenge. How do you reject the person? One straight forward way. Just tell the person. Or you could find someone else, got together and tell the person I'm attached. That'll be way too cruel I guess. So the best way is still to tell the person straight forward? That'll hurt him or her. But they'll be cured from the pain easier. For me that's the case I believe. Oh wells. All heaven's will. God created us this way. So, let's just accept the fact gracefully then.

On par

2009-11-30T05:16:00.001-08:00

Must you be on par with your partner to be together? Like you'll have to be good looking to find someone good looking to be your partner. If you have a good body, then your partner would have that same tribute as you do. Is it true? Would you dare approach someone ultra good looking if you yourself is average or probably below average? From what I see, it is this way. If you're average and you try to approach someone good looking, chances are, he or she won't bother you. Unless of coz you're filthy rich, that's a whole new different approach. Just spam some cash on fancy stuffs and probably, he or she will stick to you. So it all comes back down to doing facial, body building, gym, healthy food, so that you'll look ultra superb to find the guy or gal of your dream. That's why more and more healthy looking tanned with lean or fit figures of guys are walking around, and healthy white big eyed pear shaped gals are walking around. The toughness and torture to get that kind of body, muscles aching for guys, stomach always never full for gals. But why? Because it's worth it. You'll definitely stand out when partying at zouk out. Both sexes will just keep staring at you. You'll feel that tingling sense of happiness. At least people are staring at you instead of you staring at other people.

So back to the point, must you be on par? My answers I feel, Yes. The world has made me seen enough. All these gym regime and 100 crunches a day is not for the sake of fun. But rather for the sake of getting to that summit. To the point of glory. Now, sadly, my mindset is set. No oily food, no more deep fried skins, no more chips and no more sweet drinks. Now it's all about fruits, veges, healthy poultry that isn't fried and loads of yogurts. Plus, healthy olive oil. If it's possible since I'm dining 24/7 out. Loads of brocollis to help with digestion. Loads of cardio to deduce amount of fats in body and loads of weight regime to build muscles. Oh my aching muscles. What to do? For the sake of that glory. Strive!!

Gym

2009-11-29T05:47:00.001-08:00

I guess the only way to have that god like figure is to go gym? To work your muscles out and change it from fats to, well you know, muscles. Why can't I just be a normal skinny (but not anorexia kind) human being? Why do I have to have all those unhealthy disgusting fats =_=. Whatever, my regime's all set. Tuesdays and thursdays will be gym-ing in camp. Nope, no more nights out for me. At most the occasional time. Saturdays morning and sundays afternoon. Yep, it'll all be the wonderful time spent with those machines that would make my body go wow.

I made this determination coz I'm sick and tired of ogling at other people. It's high time a chance for other people to ogle at me instead *sinister laugh*. Time to show my power when I'm on the beach and time to make people amazed of me. Life would probably be better. Well at least the prey would come to me. Instead of me hunting the prey *sinister laugh yet again*. Time to get those muscles feeling worthy...

Caught new moon last weekend with some friends. Interesting yet why does it have to end that way. Keeping people all in suspence and can't wait for the 3rd part to come out. Wonder when in the world would it start screening on cinema.

2009 reflections! ..Wana find a better me..

2009-11-26T02:58:00.000-08:00

2009 is coming to an end. Can you believe it? So many drastic changes in life during this year. So much things that I couldn't handle well myself either. So many things that I wished it never happened. Simple to say, it's a sad year. Here's some reflections. =)

Beginning of the year was a post out of signal school to armour engineer camp. Should I say life sucks there? Like totally. The camp's far, the major rank people there are sucky. =_=. Shall not comment too much. But, I'm blessed to have met many great and wonderful friends there. My platoon people, my company people, HQ people. All are wonderful friends which I believe for some, it's definitely blooming to become buddies. Definitely, I'm gona thank my csm here. lol! Though in the beginning may not really like him. Due to he's character. But as time goes by, I realize if you open much to him, he's actually a really nice guy. Haha. Though some still may not like him after for so long. But I must say, thanks for not picking on me. THankS loads. lol!

21s this year is definitely like boomz lo you know like boomZ. So much parties to attend this year. My stomach numb from the foods, hand pain from the wrapping of presents, wallet aching from buying of presents, lips bloated from blowing of balloons. But I've enjoyed it all. Definitely mine as well. Though I was totally broke from booking any chalets or having parties. Thanks to everyone that had planned surprises for me. I will never ever forget the surprises that I had. I love and will cherish every present and everyone of you. You guys are the best and are and will always be a part of my life.

Personal life is definitely not on it's peak this year. Met so much challenges and in turn created so much trouble. All these I wished never would have happened. Never should have happened. Everyday I cried so hard to sleep. It was by far the worse experience I ever had. I had fun and I had joy. But the aftermath was terrible. Agony and pain all strike at once. It was pratically impossible to tolerate. Till now it played on my mind like a broken record player. Forever repeating the same thing over and over again. How to forget it eventually? I really don't have any idea. Should I one day forget about the incident, life would probably really get better. To find a better me yes, but after this incident, I felt that I have become worse. Becoming a monster instead. Not a better person. Probably I don't even have any human senses anymore.

For now, I'm still alive and really, thank god for that. After much silly attempts to die but I still manage to live well. So much pain this year. Developments of slip disc, skin disease or rash rather, tightness of lower aesophagus causing vomitting, mygrain, prolong coughing, and one other which I just don't feel like saying. It's a really painful year. Both emotionally and physically. So did I manage to grow stronger? I guess not. So much incidents that happened this year will be imprinted on my mind forever. This year, I really cried. I really cried to the feeling of heart aching. I really cried to the feeling of longing and I really cried to the feeling of pain. So much to handle yet so new and little of me.

Every year I had wishes. Amazingly I did it for one. Like finally. Slimmed down. I believe I had. From the original me of 76 to the current me of 61. It's amazing.

Ok so both pictures are rather ugly. But then again, A prove that I've slimmed down alot. Why? For the sake of not being look down upon by other people. Not being bullied by other people. Life was bad when I was that size. Guess life would be better when I'm now? Maybe not. Guess I've got to slim down even more then.

So my 2010 wishes. Or resolution rather. Guess that would have to come in much later then. Now is just a reflection. A better life please! For god sake..

What a life, what a lie...

2009-11-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

To think how dumb of me. Ever get the feeling of being cheated before? I can't believe I actually do get conned. I can't believe it happen to me. So I guess people, be careful. You could get conned on almost anything. When you think it's most not possible to get conned, the next thing you know it, you are the victim already. Or rather, you are a victim from the start. Come to think of it, I'm not going to trust people anymore. Only those that I'm close with. Those that isn't, F off. I'm so not going to trust people anymore. Though they may look like nice people, I can't believe how evil deep in their hearts they are.

I hope this people get their retribution. Or rather let karma falls on them.

Tiring weekend. Poor back. Cannot withstand the amount of pain that it's been enduring. =_=. Life still continues on. So nothings gona change anything.

Halloween

WooT~ Gross HAHAHA

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Ever wished there were a pill miraculously enough for you to forget things you wish to forget. Like before taking down the pills, key into the computer system that creates the pill to forget from which date to which date or which year or just speak to the "pill" saying things like: "Holy pill, make me forget from (date) to (date)." After doing all the neccessary, take the pill, gulp it down your throat, have a good sleep and *voila*, when you awoke, there goes all the memories from that period of time. LovE iT. AbsoLUTely AdORe. Wouldn't life be easier? There would probably be less suicidal cases or less self harming cases around the world. People would just leave in peace and like what fairy tales always use to say: "Happily ever after." So where's my pill??

To: Mr Knowledgeable Scientist of this era.

Dear KS, please do take into consideration the amount of suicidal cases in the world. Considering on the amount of land wasted to bury all these people, and how the harmful gases pollutes the air when these people are burned into ashes, please kindly study the powerful brain of a human being into harcore details and create the happy pills that would make people forget all about their woes or unhappiness. Thus to make the world a better place for people to live in.

p.s: Peace =D

From: Someone who needs the pill badly. =_=

But come to think of it, we're all dying in 2012. So live life happily now!! Still so many things I wish to fulfill but I guess I'm limited of time. 3 more years. Then agony shall start.

If you knew the disaster is in 2012, would you die on new year day itself or rather die when all the natural disaster starts? I would die before the disaster starts. At least hell won't be jammed with long queues when it really happens. XD

Tears

2009-11-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

Why am I still crying after so long? Why the tears never seemed to end? When will it ever stop? I really miss you. Terribly. I'm back to my crying days all of a sudden. Would you ever come back to me? Will you? And end my agony and pain? I really miss you...

Rain

2009-11-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Rain rain rain. It has been raining non-stop here at our tiny little dot island Singapore. Somehow it matches how I'm feeling. Like who wouldn't say that right? As long as you're moody, there, it matches your feeling. Everytime when I'm alone, I couldn't control my brain as somehow, your image comes into my mind. Pretty much I don't want it to, but I could'nt control. It's been so long. I guess pretty much life is back to normal for you. Maybe I could find my stuffs in the rubbish chute. It's pretty unfair you're doing this to me. I did nothing wrong. Till now I still couldn't figure out what wrong was I in. Why you have to leave me in agony. I'm so tired. God just let me sleep.

Weddings..

2009-11-18T07:19:00.000-08:00

Wedding dinner has got to be a nice event to go to. Especially when your dress code somehow coinsidentally matches the bride and groom's evening gown and suit. Create some laughter for sure. Color is exactly the same! Great seeing how happy couples get. Give you a sense of happiness for them as well as for yourself. Dinner was great, compliments flying all over the room on how pretty the bride were and how suave the groom were. Not forgetting compliments on how great I look after slimming down and as well as the dressing sense. ;D Photos shall be updated real soon.

Friends will always be there even no matter for how long a period of time not seeing each other. Everyone is still as usual. Jayden got a new bald head. David still looks the same. Eddie grew fatter! Haha. Ming did not change much. Neither did RJ change. Everyone is still how they are when we first met. Great to know that. Time flies truely. In a blink of an eye, 2 years plus has past. So basically it's been 2 years plus that I've known them all. Pretty soon I'll be a working adult myself. What kind of job? Still not decided yet.

So somehow I have slip disc. Due to the sprain on my back last times I guess. Because of dancing. Quite worried about it. Though true everything in army will be better, coz I'm definitely going to downgrade my physical status and becoming a clerk. But then again, it's a grave matter as it concerns my whole life. For this, I may not be able to do vigorous activity anymore. Not meaning those that you do in bed. But rather some everyday chores. Moving of heavy stuffs for an example. For fear that it may get worse. Well, could only make sure to take good care of it. Just be careful I guess.

On bus passing by a very familiar place. As a matter of fact after that incident, I have always refrain myself from coming to this area. True enough, I seldom come here already. Probably for clubbing yes, other then that, mever will I want to come here. There's too much painful memories. Couldn't take it.

Gona be home soon for a bath and sleep.!

Love..

2009-11-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

This seems to be a great obstacle in everyone's heart. Amazingly after so long, I can't fathom the fact that I still cried for you. My heart still aches when I think of you. I still believe I'm living in agony. Plus hurting someone's heart. It's a double impact onto the heart and brain. I still pray secretly hoping that maybe someday, you would talk to me again.

I really wish the appointment would be earlier. I'm going crazy soon. Kor if you see this, come personally to me and ask me what appointment ba.

I know in love, one has to be the one getting hurt. Somehow, I just can't accept the fact. Just because of my mistake that it causes such a great big ordeal. Maybe, life is nothing much for me. I'm just causing pain to all. I guess I never was happy in life before. It's all a mask i wore with me wherever I go. People use to ask, when's the period that, I enjoyed most in my life. I would reply when I was young and probably still a toddler. Couldn't you agree more? You're free from troubles and everyday, basically the routine in life is just to eat and sleep. Those I guess was my happiest moment. As you begin growing up, troubles start coming. One by one it haunts you. Love being the biggest portion. Having to go through heartbreaks, having to go through torment on the brain. Either that or family problems. Why are there so many problems? What happened to the carefree life? One has to live in agony and live in darkness for so long yet the other simple is heartless enough not to bother and enjoying the farking life as it is. Why? Why is it such a torment to me? Why couldn't I be the one living life happily as it is? Everyone says these few words before I believe, at least once before; "I wish I could turn back time." or "I wish things were the way it is before." Definitely. I'm a frequent user of these few sentence. I never liked changes. All my life I hated changes. At times, it maybe good but it has always been negative for me.

Wish I was dead. Tired. Need sleep. Or perhaps, an eternity sleep.

Relationships

2009-11-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

In and out, in and out. Don't people feel bad to announce an end to relationships with another person? I do. And it's a really terrible feeling. Never wish to go through that anymore. To choose, would you rather be the one dumping the person or would you rather be dumped? I would choose being dumped. Silly? Beg your pardon, I don't think so. At least well when being dumped, you would feel sad. A terrible feeling. Crying your hearts out and feel like dying. That's pretty terrible. But comparing to guilt, I would choose the one crying the heart out. It's terrible to feel guilty for me. I really wonder how some people can take it so easily. Saying out seems nothing to them. Seems a game to them. To the person I know, it seems like a game to that person. So easy for that person. So difficult for me. Well different people different personalities I guess.

Just like what my best bud use to say; "To be in a relationship, there's definitely pros and cons. To be single, there's pros and cons as well." Easy to say to being in relationship, you've got to sacrifice freedom and maybe some friends as well. Coz most of the time, you'll be with the person you love. But being a single, you'll have tons loads of friends. Since this group is not free today then be it, find another group to hang out with, or some individuals. Now I understood why she has to say this. I was so wrong with that person. So wrong about my doings. That somehow I still believe i hurt that person. Even though the initiation was that person. Everyone hated that person for doing this to me. But yet till now, I'm the only one that stood by that person. Yes even though I practically cried my hearts out for that person. I guess, it's somehow impossible to find someone that truely is a perfect person for your life. It's really impossible. Even though how happy a couple may be or how long a couple may be lovey dovey till, in some part of life, there's definitely flaws that they see in each other, there's definitely a part of hatred and there's definitely a part of strong affections for one another. It's common. We're all humans. These things sure are bound to happen. It's practically worse to get married to one another and getting a divorce. Stupid sis. -_- Wonder what's gona happen to the daughter next time. But of cause, if you manage to find someone that you truely love, every minute and seconds that you spend with him/her is definitely worth more then anything else. The sweetness and loving feel. That's the pros I guess.

Love is hard to maintain but even hard to find. So I guess any couples out there feel that you have found your soul mate, do treasure it. Everything is able to solve. The main thing is compromise. It's the biggest most sacrifice if you really truely love the person. If you decided to end everything, you're gona regret it. Probably for the rest of your life even. Talk to each other is the key point to solve problems. Oh wells, time for bed. Zzzz

Divorce, breakups..

2009-11-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

Is it a must to get a divorce? Since it's so tiring being together then why in the first place the decision to get married? Involving so many people and end up just to get a divorce. Is it really to a point that nothing can help save the family? Breakups is like an everyday thing. In a day I wonder how many people in the world break up. True that if you realize you're not fit for each other, it's better to say it earlier and to end it earlier. To prevent further affections from the person. But the hard part is to say it out to the person. How to tell him/her? Those thick skinned or rather strong willed person, would just say it off straight. Those that are the dilly dally kind and totally want nothing to do with the person anymore, will do it the silent way. Like someone I'm so familiar with. But I guess silent is too painful. It's way more painful then telling the person straight in the face. Comparing silent to announced, I find it more harder to forget the person who did it the silent way. It's rather more easier to forget the person who announced it. Not sure how you feel it, but, after experiencing it myself. Yea it's much more easier to forget.

Families, families, families. I can't imagine divorce would be so familiar and near to me. I wonder what's going through their minds right now. What's going to happen to the daughter? She's gona be growing up in a broken family? Might end up like those hooligans around. Or it could end up like my friend, able to grow up as a decent person and not becoming like any other hooligans. God bless the kid.

What is miracles?

2009-11-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

What's the definition of miracles? Is it real? It's something untouchable but you can feel it I guess. Once I was chit chatting with my friends on the lost of valuables. I've lost my wallet, phone, keys recently. Practically the whole pouch. The person who took it never return it back. Does doing good deeds bring about good things? I seriously doubt so. But what my friend said was, when you are doing good deeds, do you feel happy? I was like yes. Seeing the smiles on those faces either donating money to the poor or returning lost and found items, yes I do feel happy about it. Then he was like correct that's your reward. Ok kind of true. But for me, I realize that for so many uncountable times that I lost my phone, I only got back my phone like once? Ok or probably twice. So what's the satisfaction from the person who lost it? Blessed that you got back your stuff. For those that couldn't, which happens to be the higher percentage in this greedy world we live in, most won't wish to return back to their owners. Imagine how would these people feel? Cursing practically everything that comes in their way. Yes I happen to be one of these unlucky people. Saying so much, what happens to miracles? When you lose your things, you pray for that miracle to happen that you would get back your stuffs. But it always comes down to nothing eventually. So there goes your hopes and the so call miracle. It's only when you lose it then you will know how important it is to you.

Breaking up with someone is the most terrible thing to happen. I'm still trying hard to get over mine. Even though in a new relationship but I still couldn't get over you. I still miss you terribly. When this thing happened, I prayed effortlessly to god. So hard that I prayed till I cry every night. Till I'm not myself anymore. Blabbering nonsence and all. The reason for the psychiatrist. Including all the miseries that happen in my life. How to forget you? It's been 2 months? But my mind still flashes by your image. The times we spend together. The days in KL. The songs we shared. Every now and then I still cry. The tears don't seem to dry up. It doesn't seem to finish. So where's my miracles? Will it ever happen to me? I pray yet again for miracles.

Learning to live life once again..

2009-11-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

Starting a new blog to once again learn how to live life. Like everyone else, I'm just me. A normal human being. Like everyone else, I have alot of problems, a lot of thoughts. Again like everyone else, I'm always forever troubled. Be it in terms of financial wise, family wise, relathionship wise or rather, life itself. Been in and out of misery again and again and again. Doesn't really seem to get anywhere better. So what for am I bogging all of these things down? I'm not sure of the answer myself either. A novel said these: "Problems are forever just like grasses around the temple, it would not stop growing and you'll have to continue trimming it round and round again and again. Some grasses grows extremely fast covering any possible roads ahead while some grows slowly. Just like problems, some are big and some are rather small. It's just a matter of how you go about dealing with it just like trimming the grasses." How true of these sentence? To a certain quite large extend I would say.

Simply, I just couldn't let go no matter how hard i try. Suddenly, the urge became so big! To the extend of going berserk over it. I hope the psychiatric appointment could be pushed forward earlier. I feel like I'm being entrapped in this small bubble and sadly the bubble is made of metal. I just couldn't break through it no matter how hard i try. Crying helplessly into the darkness to no avail. Like what I always tell people to live life happily and to forget about miseries cause eventually time heals it all. But the funny thing is, I myself couldn't do it no matter how hard i tried and how hard I tell myself to. Seems wierd. Eventually, the problems bubbles up to become more and indeed, it's turning into a false hope that I could live life happily again.

Well I have to tell someone about this thing in this organization that I'm in for the time being. Someone superior in rank. So I was questioned: "Is death a thought that comes to your mind before?" Naturally the answer was yes. "To which extend?" Basically cutting myself with pen knife and downing of drugs. Be it flu medicine, cough syrup, pain killers, anti-biotics. It has reach this extend. Yes it has. So I ask, why am I doing all these when my problems are still around standing firm in my mind? But then again, there goes the routine of cutting myself and downing drugs once more. Funny.

Lying to oneself is such a negative way of telling oneself that oh nothings gonna be wrong, everything's gonna be alright. Like bs. Seriously bs! For how many years have i told myself these. Nothing changes. Alright, time to dream once more.